Biblical prayers for the modern church

Here are some famous Biblical prayers, as they might sound if they were written today. Not intended to give offence: just to raise a smile and maybe make people think again their own prayers.

The Lord’s Prayer… as prayed by an evangelical

Our Father who is just in heaven,

we just really want your name to be hallowed, Lord.
We just want your kingdom to come.
We really just want your will be done, Lord, on earth, just as it is in heaven.
Just give us this day our daily bread, Lord.
And just forgive us our sins, as we just forgive those who sin against us.
We really just want you to save us from the time of trial and just deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are just yours now and for ever, Lord.
Amen.

The Magnificat…. as prayed by a liberal

‘My soul magnifies the Lord/Lady/Formally Elected Superior of Indeterminate Gender,

and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour, for he/she has looked with favour on the lowliness of his/her servant/mutual partner/best friend in the whole wide world.
Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for the mighty One has done great things for me, without contradicting the normal laws of space or time in any way that could be construed by a superstitious population as miraculous,
and holy is his/her name.
His/Her mercy is for those who fear love him/her from generation to generation.
He/she has shown strength with his/her arm, although not in an oppressive, patriarchal way;
he/she has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts, while at all times ensuring that they feel included and valued.
He/she has brought down the powerful from their thrones, and lifted up the lowly;
he/she has filled the hungry with good things, after attending the appropriate Food Hygiene course, and sent the rich away empty and fed the rich too in an inclusive and welcoming manner.
He/she has helped his/her servant Israel, in remembrance of his/her mercy, according to the promise he/she made to our ancestors, to Abraham and his descendants for ever.’

The Song of Simeon… as prayed by a contemplative

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The Song of Zechariah… as prayed by a charismatic

Mmm… Hmm… Oh Lord… Mmm, blessed be the Lord God of… mmm… Israel… Oh Jesus, hallelujah… for has looked… mmm… favourably on his people… Yes Lord! And redeemed them…. He has raised up… Praise Jesus!... a mighty saviour for us… in the house of… hmm… his servant… …

[Gospel writer gives up and walks away]